My money problems have been solved! All those years fretting about how I could fund my retirement, change the car and head off to the sun are now just distant memories. Right now I’m considering buying a villa in Spain, or perhaps the south of France. I’ve spent half of my birthday planning exotic holidays to Vietnam, and maybe dropping in on my Australian friends on the way home. Heck, I might even check out Hawaii.

It’s my birthday, you see. The presents have been tumbling in. My son Daire gave me a free air ticket to New York – I’m jetting off in a few days – and my wife very generously presented me with a stash of dollars and she also planned a lovely meal tomorrow night in my favourite Kinsale restaurant, Man Friday. Even my daughter, Sarah Jane, who is right this minute thrashing around the jungle with her boyfriend in Colombia, bought me a box of Havana cigars! Such great people. Thanks also to my sister who arrived this morning with a Black Forest Gateaux which I duly indulged over a cuppa.

But all that pales into insignificance with the lovely Mrs. Sandra Guessan who, having recognised me as a “very honest and God-fearing Christian”, has decided to part with her small fortune of $8.5m so I can help do God’s work. No better boy.

Her lovely email arrived this morning just in time for my 62nd birthday and boy did it cheer me up. People can be so generous. It’s like winning the lottery. In anticipation of those lovely funds arriving any day now, once I give the lovely Sandra my bank details – and why not? – I spent the morning checking out the Travel Department’s website for holiday options. I also found the time to cast my eye over a few cars. After all, with all this cash flowing in I can buy whatever I like – even a dodgy VW diesel.

Sadly, Sandra won’t be helping me spend all this fortune. She describes herself as an ageing widow with a long-term illness who is stuck in a private hospital unable to spend her cash. Well, there’s nothing for it but to do God’s work and spend, spend, spend.